What NOT to say to couples who are having trouble conceiving:
1. Maybe it's your hormones. I had a friend tell me this in a doctors office once after she had trouble getting pregnant for 10 minutes. Her doctor did in fact discover that it was her hormones and a pill fixed her issues. That is not the type of couple that is diagnosed as infertile, especially when an OB can solve the issue.
2. You're too stressed out. Did you know that stress has been found to actually have very little effect on your fertility? Unless you're in a stressful environment where your hair is falling out and your skin is yellowing, it usually isn't the culprit.
3. You should stop trying, it'll happen then, that's how my cousin's neighbor's coworker finally got pregnant. Oh, spare me. Most of those stories aren't true anyway.
4. You did IVF, wasn't that supposed to work? Did you know that half of all IVFs don't succeed? Just because you pay for it and endure it, IVF doesn't promise a pregnancy. Four years of trying to conceive Nora taught us that.
5. I hid my pregnancy from you because I knew it would hurt you. That's simply not true. We obviously know that being pregnant and having a child is a joy, or we wouldn't put ourselves through this. It is possible for us to see through our own pain and share this blessing with you. Let us decide how we will react to your news. Give us the opportunity to show grace.
What TO say to couples who are having trouble conceiving:
1. How's it going? Sometimes an open-ended question lets the couple discuss it on their terms. And, if they give you vague answers, they may not want to talk about it.
2. I don't know a lot about infertility, can you explain to me what these procedures are for? Showing an interest in the trials we are experiencing means so much to us - you don't have to be a physician or someone who has endured the same thing.
3. I think about you and pray for you all the time, but is there something more that I can do? Often times, just letting us know that you think about us is enough. Some couples may have older children that need to be cared for - everyone has different needs.
4. Sometimes, talk about anything else other than fertility treatments. We need a break from the conversation just like you. A fun date night with friends can relieve a lot of stress.
Our latest update:
Our reproductive endocrinologist recommended that we come back in for fertility treatments after Nora was six months old - assuming I'd recovered well and we were ready. It took so long to get pregnant, especially since IVF is our only road to pregnancy, that we anticipated another long battle. After completing all of the pre-fertility testing in October, I decided to wait a little bit longer for the holidays. While we were waiting, I got a second opinion from a new fertility clinic in town - who found something major that my old clinic missed that would have doomed any fertility treatment. After a d&c before Christmas, we went straight into the new clinic for a round of IVF following a completely different protocol than we had tried before based on the new doctor's recommendation. It went incredibly well. At the end of February, we transferred two good quality embryos in the hopes of achieving a pregnancy. We have always transferred two embryos - it is usually all we had left after a round of IVF (with the exception of this latest round - we have two more on ice). When I started having positive home pregnancy tests well before my blood test in the clinic, we were shocked. We had expected to need a few rounds of IVF to get pregnant. When my blood test measuring my HCG level came back sky-high, the doctor was concerned of a possible higher-order pregnancy (triplets or quadruplets because embryos can split, especially those that have undergone assisted hatching). We were overjoyed when the ultrasound revealed fraternal twins. Some people have said negative things about the timing of the twins, and having three children under the age of 2 in October - but they don't realize all we have struggled with to grow our family. We decided a long time ago that we would take any children God gave us, no matter the timing. We are praying for a healthy, full-term pregnancy for the babies, and can't wait to have a full house very soon!
